How To Deal With Self-Defenses From Others

Ever get the feeling like you must walk on egg shells with particular people? How about thinking no matter how gently you say something they take offense to your tone and words? Some of us even use reflective tones intentionally. People use reflective tones by thoroughly thinking things through before speaking. No matter how many times you rehearse it in your mind, the other continues to feel as if it’s an attack on him or her. On the contrary, you mean well and give much effort and energy not to appear aggressive. The other more often than not will maintain his or her stance that you did, in fact, offend him or her.

Frustrating, and rather hurting accusations.

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The individual is not aware of your feelings. Try not to look for him or her to understand you initially. I know this can be daunting because you want the other to understand the overall message and intent. A hurting person will hear and take most of what you say out of context. Have you used this phrase with someone? “I need to speak with you. It’s not you. It’s me. I am experiencing a rough time and just need your ear.” And, you can see an instant reaction of defense in his or her body language. It’s the feeling of, “Umm I don’t think this is a good time for me to share with…”

People who walk around with their “feeling on the sleeves” nine times out of ten are hurting. There are deeply-seated issues that have nothing to do with you. You are unintentionally setting off their triggers. They do not know how to decipher the difference between you not being the cause of the wounds that lay beneath and the pressing need to deal with such infractions. All they believe at that moment is that you are the blame.
These individuals feel a surge of emotion and pain rising like a boisterous wave elevating with violent winds during a terrible storm. Next thing, it begins to storm and rain on and in you. If you especially love on people intensely, it hurts worse.

I recall a similar experience with someone. Anything said to the person in the kindest way, or if I gently approached her with a simple matter, an accusatory encounter came out of it. Here’s what help me. The more we spoke and laughed on her terms and “good” days, the better we got along. As long as I remained under her “control” of how the “day” should go, things were great. Once she invited me to the nail salon, I agreed to the offer. I needed to get my nails a touch-up, so this should be ok. Not the case. The nail tech hurt her toe cuticle on accident. She created the biggest scene—no exaggeration. I touched her shoulder with calmness to turn the “wrath of God” towards me. To diffuse the situation, I remained gentle and spoke quietly to her. It worked! But, took an enormous amount of self-awareness and self-consciousness for her on my part .

People with rough edges, deep wounds and even some mental illness need gentleness and balanced love. It requires being stern but in non-defensive ways. Your “stroke” must be genuine and sincere. Your presence alone needs to be quiet-like and meek. Try not to view these traits as weakness. These characteristics are your strengths the individual needs at any given moment. If you dread being around this person or persons, you may need to consider moving on in life. Should there be a high solid love with weariness, think about retreating for a while. Space is healthy and good. Fearing space because you may think of loss? You need to re-evaluate yourself and seek advice and counsel. This feeling is not safe nor healthy. Conversely, if you are sure to be called to help this individual, the passion remains anchored, and God will give you all the patience and love to stay by his or her side.

 

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